Let me start by saying I’m not asking for your sympathy or well wishes. I just want to tell a story which might bring hope to or inspire others. Those of you who know me know I’m coming back after a pretty serious mental breakdown a couple of years back. This is an open reflection of the story so far
It happened when I was on top of my game physically - I’d never been fitter or healthier and whilst I wasn’t gonna be challenging anyone for a place on a pro team I was doing pretty well!
I had set myself the task of one Everest a month for a year - I was into my sixth and that’s when it all went quite a bit wrong.
It started with an Everest attempt on a local hill. The day had started badly. Had a mechanical early on and also needed a battery change on my power meter - that wouldn’t have been a problem except the battery packaging was a complete arse to get into and took a lot of time.
Then it rained and got incredibly cold. I abandoned. I was ok! Or so I thought
The next day I woke - and I couldn’t get out of bed. I was scared I was paranoid the whole world was out to get me and I didn’t have a clue why - just that they were. I was unable to cope - with anything!
I went on like this for about a month - some days I could muster the strength and will to go to work - other times I couldn’t.
I never thought about suicide in detail a I didn’t have a plan on how I’d go - but I did think to myself ‘who would miss me if I wasn’t around. That’s dark for a husband and a dad with 3 kids
Eventually my wife - who is always right - got me to go to the doctor - they suggested meds - I declined but a week later went back and said yes please.
Things evened out - I was getting things back together. Covid happened and that was tough for a lot of people I know but for me it gave me a chance to stop and breathe. I couldn’t work - schools weren’t open so my client base a a a piano teacher was non existent
Covid forced a change of job - and I did what I needed to to put food on the table - and then landed a great job with a supportive company!
I started training seriously again having promised my mate I’d do the dragon ride with him. We did that a couple of weeks back and it was amazing.
So I was driving to an event one day and following satnav. It took me to a hill - as I drove down I thought ‘ I recognise this’. And sure enough it was that hill.
Now this hill I realise isn’t the main reason for my breakdown but to me it was a symbol of where I had been to where I am now
So last Sunday I rode out to that hill and I smashed that MF - I mean I’m not as strong as I used to be but I gave that everything I had - i left nothing there - and literally threw up at the top!
It’s a bit like Goggins - taking souls - I’m too nice to be that competitive with peope - but hills are fair game in my book.
If Goggins had written this last part this is how I think he’d have written it -
Yeah - ‘that hill kicked me back then - it kicked me real hard. But I came back and I said ‘yeah that hurt but I’m still here motherfu@&4 -I’m still here come get me’
‘Why do we fall - so we can learn how to get back up again’ - Albert The Butler
I’m finally in a place to reduce the meds and hopefully kick them completely but we will see -
So if you’ve had setbacks know you’re not the only one. We all do. I struggle and battle with junk food (see another recent post of mine where I try to justify some of them 
) but I do try to be the best me I can be! I’m grateful to the community here and ones that came before. Find the right people to be in your foxhole - who have your back but will also tell you when you’re being a complete bellend (see wife above).
Stay hard! Peace and Love
